Wanted:

Team player needed to fill challenging, long term, permanent position, in an often-times chaotic work environment. Candidate must possess excellent communication and organizational skills. Must be willing to work various fluctuating hours, which will include nights, weekends, and frequent 24 hour on-call shifts.

Some overnight travel required, which will include (but is not limited to) trips to primitive camp sites on rainy weekends, expensive out-of-state theme park adventures, and endless tournaments and competitions in far away cities. Travel expenses will not be reimbursed.

Must be willing to be hated, but only until someone needs money. Must also be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly.

Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule, as well as the physical appearance of a fox.

Must be able to go from standing completely still, to a full-on sprint in 3 seconds flat, just in case the screaming and crying coming from the other room is real.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, product assembly with a ridiculously large amount of tiny pieces (none of which are labeled), mysteriously sluggish toilet unclogging, massive shoelace knot untangling, and stuck zipper un-sticking.

Must screen phone calls, preview all incoming movies, books, CDs and websites. Must maintain calendars, and coordinate production and completion of multiple projects simultaneously.

Must be able to make a dollar stretch, make ends meet, make something out of nothing, and buy all needed supplies while staying within your budget.

Must possess the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and a complete embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing for over a half million cheap, flimsy, "Made in China" plastic toys.

Must always possess the ability to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete, and full responsibility for the quality and overall outcome of the final product.

Although not required, the ability to read minds, interpret grunts, facial gestures and eye rolls, as well as the ability to screen all potential new colleagues, associates, and future employees, will all be seen as assets.

General knowledge of how to remove orange vomit stains from cream-colored area rugs, black vomit stains from white bed linens, permanent marker stains from clothing, pebbles from nostrils, M&Ms from ears, and pink chewing gum from hair (without the use of scissors), will also be seen as assets.

You will be responsible for remembering each employee's birth date, social security number, date of last tetanus shot, and the age at which they reached every single important milestone in their life. You must be able to recall these facts at a moment's notice. You will also be responsible for cataloging, updating, and preserving all the above aforementioned information in the form of photos, video footage, and various keepsake journals. Failure to do so will result in a constant battery of reminders from the people you have been placed in charge of that you are an unfit employee.

You will also be expected to fill-in, as needed, for the following positions: Nurse (for all health related issues, both minor and major), Maid, Chauffeur, Personal Chef, Personal Shopper, Esthetician, Hair Stylist, Dermatologist, Dental Hygienist, Peace Officer, Accountant, Meteorologist, Zoologist, Entomologist, Botanist, Detective, Ghost Buster, Boogie Man Extractor, and Overall Problem Solver.

You will be expected to know all the answers to every question, until the day comes when you are told by the people you have been placed in charge of that you no longer know anything.

You will be expected to constantly update and improve your knowledge and skills on your own time, at your own expense, so that one day the people you are placed in charge of will ultimately surpass you. On-the-job training will be offered on a continuous and exhausting basis.

There will be no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, no stock options, and no retirement fund. Wages and compensation for this job are minimal.

You will be expected to offer frequent bonuses to the people you are placed in charge of. You will also be expected to compensate the people you are placed in charge of, for doing the same job that you get paid nothing to do.

After 18 years, a balloon payment must be paid to these same people you have been placed in charge of, under the assumption that going to college will help them become financially responsible, independent individuals. After all, one day you may need them to support you.

And when you die, you will be expected to give these people whatever you have left.

Perhaps the oddest thing about this job is that you will enjoy it. No, you will actually LOVE it! And you will continually wish that you could do more. This job will provide you with the most fulfilling moments of your life, along with limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, free hugs, and a lifetime of kisses.

Possible job titles include Mom, Mommy or Mama.

And after years of dedicated service, if you're really lucky, you just might get promoted and earn the new title of Nanny, Nana, Granny, or Grandma LoLo.

To all of the women in our lives who have wholeheartedly taken on this job, Happy Mother's Day!