You can't pick their friends

At the beginning of this school year, Avery would come home every afternoon from school talking about 3 little girls she was becoming friends with. She would tell me about the games they would play together on the playground during recess, and she would tell me how they sat together in the cafeteria for lunch. She seemed happy. I met all 3 of the little girls, and they were just the sweetest things!!! I was relieved that Avery had made a few really great friends.


But slowly as the school year went on, I started hearing more and more about another little girl in her class. Avery would come home telling me stories about how this girl wouldn't listen to their teacher and how she would try to hit the teacher too. Day after day, this little girl would get taken down to the Principal's office. And day after day she would get the worst conduct mark. But right after Spring Break, Avery's stories began to get more personal. She would tell me stories about this little girl trying to take food from her during lunch time, and she would tell me that this little girl started telling all of the other girls in their class to not be friends with Avery.

At first I didn't make too big of a deal about any of this, thinking that it was just "girl drama," and that if I shrugged it off, Avery would follow suit. I told Avery to walk away, ignore her, and to not let it bother her. But the stories became more alarming. I would pick Avery up after school and the second she got into the car, she would burst into tears. She started not wanting to go to bed at night. She started crying every morning because she didn't want to go to school. Her teacher and I stayed in constant contact about this, and I was pleased with the way she handled everything. She separated the girls as much as she could, and it seemed to be helping. But then, everything changed...

Avery knows when someone is being a good friend, and she knows when someone is not being a good friend. Avery knew that this little girl was not being a good friend to her, and so she tried to avoid her. But there were certain times during the day when their teacher wasn't with the class, and the little girl picked up on that fact, and would wait to bully Avery around during those times. Avery would try to just ignore her or or walk away or tell another teacher, but none of those things seemed to help. The more persistent Avery was that she was not going to let this little girl be mean to her, the harder and meaner this little girl pushed back. She would tell Avery to come play with her, and would turn right around and tell Avery she was not going to play with her after all, and then she'd go tell all the other girls that Avery was saying bad things about them. Avery would be all alone.... And then before I even knew what was going on, Avery started calling this little girl her best friend. This girl had isolated Avery from the rest of the class, so that she could have total and complete control over her. The more I tried to convince Avery that this was not the type of friendship she wanted, the more Avery tried to convince me that they were BEST FRIENDS! Agh!

And then this past Friday, everything reached a boiling point. The kids in Avery's class were out on the playground, and when the teacher called all of the kids to line up to go back inside, Avery and this little girl stayed at the back of the playground. The more the teacher called, the more the girls ignored her. Finally, Avery's teacher went and got them, and told them that when they got inside, to move their conduct clips down from green to yellow. All of the kids in the class start out each day with their conduct clip on green. If they do something extra special during the day, they get to move their clip up to purple and get a prize at the end of the day. But if they do something they're not supposed to do, they move their clip down; 1 warning/day = move clip down to yellow, 2 warnings/day = move clip down to red, they sit out of recess and a note goes home to the parent, 3 warnings/day = move clip down to blue, sit out of recess, a note goes home, and they get sent to the Principal's office. So, when Avery had to move her clip to yellow, she started crying and apologized immediately to her teacher. She told her teacher that she didn't want to do what this little girl told her to do because she knew it was wrong, but that she was scared to not do what the girl told her to do because the girl had told Avery that she would hurt her when the teacher wasn't watching. Her teacher thanked her for apologizing, and told her to go move her clip back up to green. Avery started crying even harder and told her teacher that she didn't want to move her clip back to green because the girl would get mad at her and hurt her.

Now I know that I have a flair for the dramatic. I also know that the apple does not fall far from the tree... :-) And I know that Avery is not a perfect child, so I tried to keep things in perspective. But I also know that Avery is a good child. She's a happy child. And she loves people like I do, very deeply, giving all of herself. I honestly feel like Avery has been sucked into an abusive relationship, and just doesn't know how to get out. She's been manipulated, isolated, and threatened. She's been taken advantage of, and she is scared. And what's worse is that she's been having all of these things done to her under the disguise of friendship. When I got Avery home from school on Friday, I asked her why she wanted to be friends with this girl if she knew that this girl was not being a good friend to her. And Avery told me, "Because I'm afraid to not be friends with her." After consoling Avery and making sure she was okay, I reassured her that things were going to change. I'd do my part, but she needed to do her part too.

It was time to step up my game. NO ONE mistreats my little girl!!! I emailed her teacher and told her that while I realized there are only 4 1/2 more weeks of school left this year, I'd had enough. I told her that if I heard one more story from Avery about being mistreated by this little girl, that I would take this matter to the Principal and School Counselor. And that if I ever found out that this girl had hurt her, that I was going to insist that this girl get taken out of her class or that I would yank Avery out. I was not going to sit back and continue putting my daughter in a potentially harmful situation day after day. And by the way, I LOVE Avery's teacher. She is the Mary Poppins of Kindergarten teachers. So it was really difficult for me to write that email.

This morning, I woke up and started praying at 5:40 a.m. And when Avery woke up, she told me that she was going to try to be nice to this girl today, but that she was also going to try to be strong and not let this girl treat her badly. When I dropped Samuel and Avery off at school, I hung around for a little while to catch Avery's teacher before school started. Her teacher came up to me, and she told me that I didn't need to wait to take this matter to the Principal or School Counselor, because she was going to do it for me... they need to know now. And even though in my heart I felt a little relieved because I know that Avery will be okay, my heart ached for this little girl. I wonder if she will be okay. I wonder about her home life, and if anyone up until now has ever prayed for her. I wonder under what circumstances she has learned this behavior. And I wonder if outside of school, if she herself is the victim of such horrible treatment. I know that Avery will be okay because she has people who are older and stronger than her looking out for her. But I wonder if this little girl has anyone looking out for her.

And so I would ask all of you to pray for Avery, that she will find her strength, that she will not be mistreated anymore, and that she will be reminded that good friends make you feel happy, safe, and loved. I am so hopeful that I will hear a good report today after school! But more importantly I would also ask you to pray for this little girl, for more things than I can even begin to list here... Maybe just that God would protect her and that she would come to know that God loves her, and that there is a better way in life.