To My Son

Dear Samuel,

Fourth grade... it's been a difficult year for you. You've noticed certain things about yourself that make you feel different from your classmates. I want you to know that it is these differences within you that make you so special to me. But believe me when I tell you that I understand, when you are 10, feeling like you are different isn't always seen as a good thing. I want you to know that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help make things in your life a little less difficult for you. Life at 10 shouldn't be this hard. I want you to build a strong character. And I don't want you to think that everything in life is going to be easy. But something tells me that you already know this. I want you to know that there are so many people in your life who want to help you too. They pray for you, and they ask me about you all the time. I want you to know how deeply loved you are. I want you to know that there are other moms out there who teach their children to love and to be kind to kids who seem different... kids who are struggling. I want you to know that even though there are kids who are stronger than you, that you are not weak. You are one of the strongest kids I know. I want you to know that no matter what your grades in school are, that I don't care what your report card says, because you are brilliant. And I want you to know that even though there are other kids who are more out-going and social than you, that you are the kindest, sweetest, and most loving child I know. Everyone who has the pleasure of getting to know you, loves you. That's how special you are.

The other day, you were asked to talk about something that makes you feel anxious or nervous while you're at school. You had no trouble coming up with something, and my heart ached for you. Then you were asked to talk about something that makes you feel anxious or nervous when you are in public places. Again, you came up with something almost immediately. And again, my heart ached for you. You even came up with something quickly that makes you nervous while you're on the playground. But when you were asked to talk about something that makes you feel anxious or nervous while you're at home, you didn't answer right away. After a little while, you were asked the same question again; what makes you nervous or anxious or sad while you're at home? When you responded, you said that there isn't anything at home that makes you feel that way, and that you feel happy and safe when you are at home. I want you to know that my heart rejoiced for you. There are some children out there who have no place where they feel safe and happy and loved. I always want you to feel that way about home. You will always have a place where you will feel safe. You will always have a place where you can feel relaxed and loved and accepted. And for as long as you will allow me to, you will always have my loving arms, ready and open to embrace you and make you feel safe, no matter what.

I want you to know that we will get through this. And I hope that one day, we can look back on this time in our lives and smile, and realize how much stronger it made both of us. I love you and thank God each and every day that He brought YOU into my life.

Mom

I've changed some of the words around in this piece by Erma Bombeck to make it more personal, but I wanted to share this with everyone. It was sent to me from my sister, Nina, and I felt it was worth passing along.

God Chooses A Mom for A Special Needs Child by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. But did you ever wonder how mothers of children with special needs are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

Armstrong, Beth; son; Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; Cecelia.
Rudledge, Carrie; twins; Gerard and Jerry.

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her this child." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give such a special child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." "But has she patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and disbelief wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy." "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman I will bless with this special child. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! I will permit her to see clearly the things I see --- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice --- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"So, what should I write? asks the angel, his pen poised in midair. God smiles. "I have heard her prayers. I will give her a son; Samuel."

Christmas, Lid'l Lee, and the New Year

Every year at Christmas, I remind myself how important it is to slow down and take the time to do things with my family that are truly the most important things in life, especially at the holidays. Over the past couple of years, our Christmas seasons have seemed extremely rushed. It felt like I would blink and before I knew it, Christmas was over. So this year, I promised myself that I would do better. And so, for the first time in 3 years, I purposefully left a weekend open to ensure that we would be able to attend our good friend's Angel Tree Party. We went. We had so much fun! We were able to catch up with dear, old friends. We shopped for 2 precious angels through Interfaith Housing Coalition. It felt really good to shop for 2 angels with our 3 children... to show our children firsthand that it is truly better to give than to receive, and that we have so much to be thankful for.

We also made time to drive through the living nativity scene, not just once, but twice. We love doing this, and I'm so glad this has become an annual tradition for our family.

And we also made a point to drive out to the Christmas tree farm and cut down our own tree. This is also a family tradition that we've been doing for the past 7 years. The kids always enjoy driving out there. And we love all of the wonderful memories and traditions that we get to help create as a family.

But just as soon as I thought that I was doing such a great job of slowing down and not getting stressed out by the holidays...

On December 21, I'd been running errands all morning long in order to get us prepared for our trip down to south Texas for Christmas. I came home around 2:00 that afternoon. And that's when I found my sweet kitty, not doing well. Around 9 months ago, Lid'l Lee developed a mass on her back. Our vet was going to remove it. But Lid'l Lee's pre-surgery blood work came back that she had an advanced kidney disease... her kidneys were failing. Putting her through surgery would almost assuredly kill her. The vet recommended I take her home and enjoy the remaining time we had left with her. I guess even though I saw the tumor growing and getting larger, somehow I didn't think Lid'l Lee was all that ill. I guess I felt that way because she was still eating and drinking just fine. So I guess that's why, even though the tumor had grown considerably larger over the 9 months since I'd first detected it, I was so shocked when I came home that day and saw her the way she was. I called the vet and she told me to bring her in immediately. They were waiting for me when I arrived. The vet told me that she would try to surgically remove the tumor... she would try to help Lid'l Lee under the circumstances. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye as the vet took her into the operating room. About 30 minutes later, the vet came into the room where I was waiting, and told me that Lid'l Lee was not going to make it. She told me that she could wake her up so that I could say my final goodbyes to her, or she could let her go peacefully without waking her up. I was allowed into the operating room, where I saw my sweet kitty. Gut wrenching sobs... I decided to not have the vet wake her up. Couldn't do it... She'd been through enough already. And so, just 21 months after having to say goodbye to Maisy, and just 7 months after saying goodbye to Molly, I said goodbye to my sweet Lid'l Lee as she drifted off into eternal sleep in my arms.

I miss her.

We all miss her.

Coming home with an empty pet carrier... you'd think I'd be able to handle it better by now. Telling the kids... draining.

The next morning, we all loaded into the car and drove down to south Texas for Christmas. The time we spent with our families was wonderful. I was reminded over and over again throughout our time down there that I am so blessed. I have this great big, wonderfully crazy family, whom I love so much. And I was reminded so many times of just how important it is to savor and enjoy every single moment that I get to spend with them.

I don't make it a habit to make New Year's Resolutions. But this year, well... after our time in south Texas for Christmas, we arrived home to an empty home. For the first time in 7 years, there was no soft, cuddly, meowing cat here to welcome us home. Three family pets, gone in less than 2 years. And so, with this new year, I'd like to resolve to make a concerted effort to just be with the people and things I love most in this life. To make my priorities just simply that... my priorities. To stop making excuses and just live my life doing what I love most, being with my friends, my family and my sweet dog, Maggie, just as much as I possibly can.