Normal

I woke up around the normal time - 2 a.m. Maisy was whining and needed to be let outside. I got up out of bed and started heading towards the kitchen, and that's when I snapped back into reality. I'm not quite sure what I heard that woke me up, but I woke up at 5 a.m. too. My house sure is quiet now without the sound of Maisy's little whimperings... It's funny how the mind can play tricks on you like that. It's funny, what had become my "normal."

I tried to pet Molly this morning like I would pet Maisy. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew Molly would hate it. I used to grab Maisy behind her ears and give her a few good heavy tugs back and forth. She loved it, and would always lean in for more when I'd let go. Molly just jerked away from me when I tried to pet her like that, crazy dog! I love Molly. She's just not Maisy.

I decided to throw away Maisy's meds last night. Mistake! I almost dug them out of the trash. Why? I couldn't say why... My head tells me I don't need them anymore. My heart tells me I'm not ready to let go of anything that belonged to Maisy. I did pick up her blankets off the kitchen floor and washed them. But crazy enough, I still can't bring myself to sweep up her hair that's on the floor where the blankets were. I miss that hairy, stinky, sickly little dog.

I read a blog last night, written by my church's Minister to Families with Young Children. The summer she had to put her 14 year old dog to sleep, she proceeded to adopt 5 more dogs. She titled it, "The Summer I Lost My Mind." I read it to Hector and when I reached the end he said, "Please, don't even think about it." Before Hector and I had children, I would rescue and take in any and every stray. How do you think we got all of our pets? I don't know, I guess the act of taking in an animal in need just feels right to me. I'm not ready to welcome another pet into our family just yet. Maybe one day I will though, and our family will have a new normal. Oh, how I long for things to get back to normal...

Goodbye

I am writing this the same day I found out that Maisy has cancer, November 4, 2009. I am writing it now because I know that when the time comes to say goodbye, I won't have the words. I am writing it while Maisy is still active, while I remember her as the same sweet, crazy dog I've had in my life for a decade, while she doesn't seem sick, while she still has the energy to run around the backyard and play with her sister dog, Molly, and fight for the toy she wants. I am writing this when Maisy can still jump up for me to pet her, and when I still have her here to pet. I am writing this while I still remember Maisy like this...The day we welcomed Maisy into our family, April 1, 1999.

Sweet Maisy

Well, I tried... I started writing that back on November 4, hoping that the words would come to me. But I never could seem to find the words. How do you say goodbye, when you're simply not ready? The past few months rolled by, and before I could even fully grasp what was happening, the time had come to let Maisy go.

Hector and I stood in the kitchen last night, trying to get dinner on the table. We had talked about Maisy for several days, and finally reached the decision that it was time to let her go. As the tears started to roll down my cheeks, I closed my eyes and prayed to God that He would give me a sign... Something, anything, to let me know that everything was going to be okay... Something that would allow me to feel at peace. Something to let me know that Hector and I were making the right decision for Maisy, and that all of the turmoil and pain I've been feeling lately would somehow subside.

Give me a sign, Dear Lord. Grant me peace, that I may know in my heart that everything is going to be okay.

And when I opened my eyes and looked out my kitchen window, this is what I saw in my backyard:

Maisy was only supposed to live until around Christmas time. She lived until today. She is no longer in pain. She is at peace. I am thankful for the extra time that I had with her. I loved her. I will miss her. Goodbye, sweet Maisy.

This dog!

I think I have felt just about every emotion possible in the past few months for this dog...

This past summer, I felt frustrated. She was waking up 2 - 3 times a night to be let outside. She started having accidents in the house. She became a very picky eater. She was a mess! And when I noticed a large mass had formed on her back, and I realized that she might be seriously ill, I felt sad. And when I found out a few weeks later that she had cancer, and that she had only a couple of months to live, I felt heartbroken. I wept and I wept, literally each and every day for 2 weeks solid, all for the love of this dog. And when she lived past the time she was supposed to, I felt thankful for the extra time that I had been given with this dog!

And so last Tuesday, when I woke up and got the kids off to school, I noticed that something just wasn't right. I called our vet and she told me to bring Maisy in immediately. She could barely walk, and I had to pick her up to get her into the car. And the whole time I was driving to our vet clinic, my heart was breaking. She walked so slowly into the clinic, and the whole time we waited to see the vet, she just laid on the floor at my feet, barely moving. So, it shouldn't have been that big of a shock when our vet told me that she'd developed an infection. Still, it was a shock. But there I was, hearing the vet tell me that Maisy's body was too weak to fight it off, and the time had come to let her go. Her body needed help doing what it could not seem to do on it's own. I needed to take her home, and prepare myself and my family to say goodbye to this sweet, beloved dog. The vet gave her 1 "final" prescription to help manage the pain, and told me to bring her back in a week, so that she could help her go peacefully.

On the drive home, she rested her head on my lap and just laid there, weak and tired. I called Hector and gave him the news. I had to pull the car over to the side of the road, because the tears were clouding my vision. And when I got home and put Isaac down for his nap, I sat on the sofa with her, and I wondered if I had petted her enough, played catch with her enough, walked her enough, brushed her enough, and if I had given her as many treats as she deserved throughout her 10 years of life. Later that night, I gave her the prescription from the vet, and started getting the kids ready for bed. And without being told anything, Avery called out at the top of her lungs, "Maisy's not moving. I think she's dead!" My heart started racing as I ran into the kitchen, only to find Maisy sound asleep. The prescription was doing what it was supposed to do... it was keeping her out of pain. After I burst into tears when I realized she was just sleeping, Hector and I decided to tell the kids what was going on... Maisy was sick, and she wouldn't be with us too much longer. The next couple of days in our home were difficult.

But then, she started eating again. She started acting more alert, and the infection she'd developed seemed to be clearing up. She started begging for treats again, and she even enjoyed a romp in the snow with her sister dog, Molly. It was strange. I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to let her go. I'd made the necessary arrangements, all in preparation to let her go. But the more I looked at her, the more I questioned my decision. She was eating and jumping and running and playing. Still, I kept the appointment with our vet for today, just in case the vet saw something I wasn't able to see. And after the vet came in and looked at this stubborn, crazy, loving dog, she told me that she'd never seen a dog with such a strong will to survive. Her body was fighting off the infection, and in her opinion today was not the day we needed to let Maisy go. She told me that we could take it day by day, and that she wanted to see us back in 2 weeks.

And that's when I felt relieved in a way, to be walking out of that clinic with my dog, when I thought I'd be leaving alone. I know that my days with Maisy are limited. I know that I will need to let her go sooner than later. I know she is dying. Today just wasn't that day. I hope you all understand. I just couldn't live with myself if I wasn't 100% sure it was time. And as of today, I'm just not there yet. I still see that gleam in her eyes that tells me Maisy is still here, active and alert, and probably feeling just like I am... happy to have a few more days together. I know this might sound silly, but I just can't think of another way to say it... Thank you to everyone for everything over the past few days, the past week, and the past few months when it comes to Maisy.

Maisy

Last week, my dog Maisy had surgery to remove a mass that had formed on her shoulder. Maisy had been showing signs that something was not 100% right with her health since this past June/July. I noticed the mass on her shoulder about a month ago. The vet had hoped it was one type of non-cancerous mass that older female dogs sometimes get. She put Maisy on medication and hoped the mass would shrink. Unfortunately, the mass nearly tripled in size over the course of the month, and the vet wanted to remove it immediately.

Maisy after her operation, sporting her Old Navy tee to cover and protect her stitches...

Once the mass was removed, Maisy was acting fine. But on Wednesday of this week, I received the news that I was dreading; Maisy has cancer. It is a very aggressive, quick-spreading form of cancer that will eventually overtake her organs. Based on what the vet told me and what I've witnessed at home, it is most likely already spread to some of her organs. At best, Maisy has 3 months left in her life. Our vet does not think chemo is an option at this point, due to Maisy's age and just how widespread the cancer already is. As of right now, Hector and I plan to enjoy our time with Maisy, with the hope that she will pass peacefully on her own. But we are preparing ourselves to let her go sooner, should the need arise. Maisy has lived a good, full life, and we do not want her final days to be spent needlessly in pain.


Even though I tried to prepare myself before the vet called with the biopsy results, once I heard the news, I was completely unprepared. The vet asked me if I was okay, and I could not even muster up the strength to say no. My desire to not let my time with Maisy come to and end is overshadowing the reality that I need to keep Maisy's best interest at heart. This has proven to be a very difficult few days for me, even more difficult than I imagined it would be. She is still here, but I just can't seem to come to grips with the fact that within a few short months, maybe even weeks, she won't be.

Maisy came to be my "furry child" at a particularly difficult time in my life. She was a loyal companion, providing me with endless hours of unconditional love and affection at a time in my life when I needed just that. It's impossible for me to think about that time in my life and not think about how Maisy came to be a part of our family. She will be greatly missed. I know that there is so much pain going on right now in our country, but I truly covet your prayers that my heart will be at peace when it comes time to say goodbye to my sweet Maisy.

A More Recent Update on Maisy

I heard back from our vet about Maisy's tests. The first round of test results came back with very bad news. The vet was concerned that the test results may not have been accurate, so he ran the tests again because he was concerned there may have been some human error while conducting the tests. Sure enough, the 2nd round of tests came back with much more positive results. Not great results, but better than the 1st results. As of right now, we know that Maisy does not have thyroid problems. That's the good news. The bad news is that Maisy seems to be having problems with her adrenal glands, and her kidneys and liver seem to be failing. Unfortunately, I was out of town when the vet called, so I wasn't able to speak directly with him. He left all this information on my voice mail.

So, where do we go from here? The vet wants Maisy to come back in for another test to see if he can determine the cause of Maisy's problems. It was so hard to follow what the vet was saying on the voice mail, and by the time I got the voice mail the office was closed for the rest of the weekend, so I couldn't call to get some clarification. But, from what I could tell, it seems that there could be 2 potential causes for Maisy's problems; 1) she was born with this condition, or 2) she developed this condition as a result of steroid use. Once he finds the cause, then we can discuss treatment options. The problem is, we are leaving to go on vacation next week and the test requires that Maisy stay at the vet's office for 24 hours (overnight). They give her some type of drug, wait 24 hours, then take blood and run tests to see what effect the drug had on Maisy. That should tell the vet the cause. I hope to talk with the vet tomorrow to see if all of this can wait until after we get back from our vacation, or if she needs to go in and have this all done now, before we leave. We shall see...

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has emailed me or called or just expressed heartfelt concern for Maisy. She is a member of our family, and I'm so appreciative to everyone who understands that... The past week has been difficult. There is still so much hope that Maisy will come through all of this and get the proper treatment, and be just fine. Things are looking up, but we are still not out of the woods quite yet.

Update on Maisy

Maisy, my 9 1/2 year old dog, has always been a sickly dog. She's also always been an energetic, affectionate, smart, loyal companion. Maisy is a member of our family. A few years ago, I noticed that Maisy was having what I thought was severe seasonal allergies. I took her to our vet, who gave her a cortisone injection, and sent us on our way. The next summer, Maisy's allergies flared up again, which led to another trip to our vet and another cortisone injection. By the 3rd summer, Maisy's allergies came on stronger than ever. I asked our vet if there was anything that could be done to help Maisy in the future, before her allergies became severe each summer, and he basically told me no, gave her another cortisone injection, and sent us home. It wasn't until I started asking around, to friends and family members who have dogs with allergies, that I realized that there was A LOT that could be done to help Maisy before she started having her allergy symptoms, and that cortisone shots could actually be harmful to dogs if given on a regular, on-going basis. I switched vets and found a new one that I really liked and seemed to take Maisy's health issues (and my concerns) seriously. He started her on medication, and Maisy slowly-but-surely got back to her old self again. It was great!


Unfortunately, after only 2 years of being on that medication, Maisy started showing signs that the medication was no longer working. I asked the vet to refer us to a vet allergist, and he said that there was no need to do that. I asked him to try another medication. But instead, he gave Maisy a cortisone injection.


Last summer, Maisy did great with her allergies. This summer, actually starting back at the end of April/beginning of May, I noticed that Maisy was scratching a lot. Then I started noticing big clumps of hair on our floors. I tried to treat it at home with things that have worked in the past, but after a few weeks and nothing seemed to be helping, I called our vet and was told that he couldn't see Maisy for 3 more weeks. I made the appointment, but after only 2 weeks of waiting I knew that Maisy couldn't wait any longer. I called another vet and got Maisy an appointment. Her appointment was this past Saturday, and poor Maisy did not look well at all. Her appointment was at 11:00, and the clinic was supposed to close at noon. We were there until 2:00. The vet was very nice, as was everyone on staff. The vet told me that he sees this in dogs far too often, where vets only treat the symptoms and not the cause of the problem in the animal. He told me that Maisy either has something that could be easily treated with inexpensive medication, or that she has something that would involve a long-term, very expensive treatment. And that even with treatment, there would be no guarantee that she would make it. This condition is almost always fatal.


Heartache...


I was supposed to get the test results back by yesterday. I actually winded up calling the vet today when I hadn't heard from them, and the vet tech told me that the vet had ordered Maisy's tests to be re-run because he was concerned about the results. He wants to make 100% sure they are accurate. As of right now, I am waiting to get those new test results back. But the first round of test results are not good. They indicate that Maisy more than likely has both conditions. In addition to having severe allergies, her thyroid is not functioning properly, and her internal organs are failing, more than likely caused by being given all those cortisone shots.



Anger...


Frustration...


I asked the vet tech what I could possibly anticipate in the way of treatment for Maisy, and he told me that I was jumping the gun. He assured me that I would get a call back by the end of this week. Once the vet is absolutely sure what's going on with Maisy, then we can discuss possible treatments. This is one of those times that I wish I had all the money in the world, and that we weren't in an economic recession. This is one of those times that I wish I didn't have 2 other animals. This is one of those times that I wish I didn't feel the need to shelter my extremely curious and perceptive daughter from the pain I am feeling every time I think about what is best for Maisy and for our family. This is one of those times that I wish Maisy had another owner who didn't need to think about whether or not to go forward with a very costly treatment (that may not even help), or whether the time had come to let Maisy's wonderful, full life come to an end.


Uncertainty...


For anyone who knows me, you already know before I type this out... I am not handling this well. And even though the final test results are not in yet, I am preparing myself for even more bad news. I know how silly it is to pray for my dog, but I really am praying that I will get the test results back and that it will be good news and that maybe there was some human error on the test results the first go-around. And so, for now, I wait.