This dog!

I think I have felt just about every emotion possible in the past few months for this dog...

This past summer, I felt frustrated. She was waking up 2 - 3 times a night to be let outside. She started having accidents in the house. She became a very picky eater. She was a mess! And when I noticed a large mass had formed on her back, and I realized that she might be seriously ill, I felt sad. And when I found out a few weeks later that she had cancer, and that she had only a couple of months to live, I felt heartbroken. I wept and I wept, literally each and every day for 2 weeks solid, all for the love of this dog. And when she lived past the time she was supposed to, I felt thankful for the extra time that I had been given with this dog!

And so last Tuesday, when I woke up and got the kids off to school, I noticed that something just wasn't right. I called our vet and she told me to bring Maisy in immediately. She could barely walk, and I had to pick her up to get her into the car. And the whole time I was driving to our vet clinic, my heart was breaking. She walked so slowly into the clinic, and the whole time we waited to see the vet, she just laid on the floor at my feet, barely moving. So, it shouldn't have been that big of a shock when our vet told me that she'd developed an infection. Still, it was a shock. But there I was, hearing the vet tell me that Maisy's body was too weak to fight it off, and the time had come to let her go. Her body needed help doing what it could not seem to do on it's own. I needed to take her home, and prepare myself and my family to say goodbye to this sweet, beloved dog. The vet gave her 1 "final" prescription to help manage the pain, and told me to bring her back in a week, so that she could help her go peacefully.

On the drive home, she rested her head on my lap and just laid there, weak and tired. I called Hector and gave him the news. I had to pull the car over to the side of the road, because the tears were clouding my vision. And when I got home and put Isaac down for his nap, I sat on the sofa with her, and I wondered if I had petted her enough, played catch with her enough, walked her enough, brushed her enough, and if I had given her as many treats as she deserved throughout her 10 years of life. Later that night, I gave her the prescription from the vet, and started getting the kids ready for bed. And without being told anything, Avery called out at the top of her lungs, "Maisy's not moving. I think she's dead!" My heart started racing as I ran into the kitchen, only to find Maisy sound asleep. The prescription was doing what it was supposed to do... it was keeping her out of pain. After I burst into tears when I realized she was just sleeping, Hector and I decided to tell the kids what was going on... Maisy was sick, and she wouldn't be with us too much longer. The next couple of days in our home were difficult.

But then, she started eating again. She started acting more alert, and the infection she'd developed seemed to be clearing up. She started begging for treats again, and she even enjoyed a romp in the snow with her sister dog, Molly. It was strange. I didn't know how to feel. I had prepared myself to let her go. I'd made the necessary arrangements, all in preparation to let her go. But the more I looked at her, the more I questioned my decision. She was eating and jumping and running and playing. Still, I kept the appointment with our vet for today, just in case the vet saw something I wasn't able to see. And after the vet came in and looked at this stubborn, crazy, loving dog, she told me that she'd never seen a dog with such a strong will to survive. Her body was fighting off the infection, and in her opinion today was not the day we needed to let Maisy go. She told me that we could take it day by day, and that she wanted to see us back in 2 weeks.

And that's when I felt relieved in a way, to be walking out of that clinic with my dog, when I thought I'd be leaving alone. I know that my days with Maisy are limited. I know that I will need to let her go sooner than later. I know she is dying. Today just wasn't that day. I hope you all understand. I just couldn't live with myself if I wasn't 100% sure it was time. And as of today, I'm just not there yet. I still see that gleam in her eyes that tells me Maisy is still here, active and alert, and probably feeling just like I am... happy to have a few more days together. I know this might sound silly, but I just can't think of another way to say it... Thank you to everyone for everything over the past few days, the past week, and the past few months when it comes to Maisy.