And We All Came Barrel Rolling Down

Samuel desperately wants to learn how to ride his bike without the training wheels. I realize that some of you might be thinking to yourself right about now, "How old is Samuel?" Well, he's 8. And while most children learn how to ride a bike without training wheels much earlier than the age of 8, Samuel has not. I blame this partly on the fact that Samuel has low muscle tone in his arms and legs, so we intentionally held off buying him a bike until he was older (7) than most children, allowing his arms and legs to get a little stronger so that he could actually peddle and steer a bike. And I also blame this partly on the fact that Samuel is not a risk taker. By that I mean that Samuel hasn't really wanted to learn how to ride a bike up until last year, because it was scary for him (the whole falling-off-the-bike thing). Now let me be clear here. I am not complaining about the fact that Samuel is not a risk taker. I mean, having a non-risk-taking child is good for my already overly stressed-out life. But sometimes, I really want Samuel to take risks. Calculated, good risks. Like learning how to ride his bike without training wheels with my help.


So yesterday, I loaded up the bikes in the car and we drove to the kid's school. Lots of big, wide open space... Let's ride!!! I loosened the first training wheel and before I could move over to the second one, Samuel piped up and asked, "What are you doing?" I reminded him of what we'd talked about. It was time to learn how to ride his bike without the training wheels. "Woo Hoo! Let's do it! Come on man, this is going to be so much fun!"


Unfortunately, I was the only person excited about this risk-taking experience...


The tears started flowing down Samuel's face, and I actually made my oldest son take a time out. "Go take a time out and get your body calm. And don't come out until you are ready to have some fun." I know... Horrible, mean mommy... But at the time I was frustrated, and it's the first thing that came out. Sometimes I get frustrated because I want Samuel to know that it's okay to take a risk from time to time, especially if he has someone there watching out for him. Especially if he stands to learn something really awesome from the experience, and have a great time in the process.


The time out was good, for both of us.


When Samuel came back, I told him exactly how we were going to set about making this plan work. He agreed to the plan, reluctantly, and we set off through the parking lot, training wheels wobbling off to the sides, Samuel still doing that hiccuping/half crying thing, straining to keep more tears from flowing, me running along side his bike, holding onto it for dear life. Please don't let me accidentally let go... Please don't let him get hurt... Please help me keep up... Please help me get through this...


And just when I thought he had it, he turned his handle bars sharply. The bike went tumbling down. His chain came off. And he started crying again. And that was the end of our bike riding without training wheels lesson for the day.


I think it's safe to say that I won't need to worry much about Samuel taking risks in his pre-teen and teenage years. It's just not his style. My lovely daughter, on the other hand, already gives me nightmares every time I think of her as a pre-teen or teenager. She's been taking risks her entire life; wiggling her hand out of mine and running through a crowded parking lot at the grocery store; bolting down our alley as I was trying to get the car unlocked in the pouring rain; spinning herself out of the rocking chair and into the entertainment center which required scalp staples to close her head wound; jumping off my bed, feet first, which resulted in a broken foot and sprained ankle; running head-on into the arm rest of the sofa, which resulted in a broken collar bone; twirling herself dizzy, then falling backwards into the wall, which resulted with another head wound and more scalp staples; running through a Walgreen's pharmacy, straight for the exit doors, while I was standing in line to get a prescription (I was 7 months pregnant with Isaac at the time); grabbing frogs and other creepy-crawly things in our yard without the slightest hesitation; and eating spicy foods since she was barely a year old. Taking risks her entire life, and laughing through it all!


So yesterday as Samuel sat on that curb, Avery decided she'd take advantage of the fact that I wasn't exactly focused on her, and climbed up to the very top of a steep hill, then proceeded to barrel-roll herself all the way down, right into a metal basket ball pole in the school's parking lot. When we saw that she was okay, Samuel and I started laughing, uncontrollably. And at that, Avery jumped up, and announced that she was going back up the hill to do it again. She turned to Samuel and said, "Come on, Samuel! It was SO much fun!" I stood up, grabbed his hand, and told him to come with us... we were going up the hill and barrel-rolling down it, all together. "Come on, Samuel. Roll down the hill with us. We'll do it together."

I know what it's like to be so afraid of trying something new that I'd rather avoid the situation all-together. I know what it's like to want something so badly, but to be too afraid of getting hurt to do anything about it. I know what it's like to have anxiety and fear consume me. For the past 2 years, right around this time, I start getting anxious. Very, very anxious. You see, I don't handle the first day of school very well, or the 2 - 3 weeks leading up to the first day of school, for that matter. Anxiety consumes me. I like being at home with my kids. Sure, they can drive me nuts. And sure, sometimes I wish we could take small breaks from each other. But for the most part, I really love spending time with them. And it makes me anxious when I think of them going off to school, and everything that could happen to them. And it saddens me to think about getting to spend only a couple of hours each day with them, because I miss them. I honestly miss them.

Please don't make me let go... Please don't let them get hurt... Please help me get through this...

As much as I want to hold onto them and keep them close to me, and as much as I worry about something bad happening to them, I know that I have to let go, a little at a time. Thankfully, whenever I start getting nervous and anxious and worried, I know that I have someone in my life who's always going to be there for me. Someone who's ready to give me the tough love I need sometimes, or the out-stretched hand that says, "Come on, Patty. You don't have to do this alone. We'll do it together."

After Samuel had such a bad experience on his bike and then he got right back up and we all rolled down that hill together, I thought about what a perfect metaphor it was for the next 2 weeks, with me and the kids barreling down towards the first day of school. I thought about how scary life can be at first, but how fun it can be too. I thought about how proud I am of my kids. I thought about how lucky I am to have Hector and them in my life. And I thought about how wonderful it is that we have each other, our family. I know that we will always have each other, to go barrel-rolling down the great, big, steep hill of life together, all the way to the very end.

"The family; a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that binds them all together." ~Erma Bombeck